i.
dear diary, i am working in e7. my macbook burns my thighs and i have made a silent commitment to work until she dies and i have no choice but to go home. i am so upset. acceptably (circumstance 1) upset, justifiably (circumstance 2) upset, but irrationally (emotional circumstance x) upset.

i ping pong between feeling good, and not good enough. my measure of value hums in my brain constant and low like an electric pulse. right now i do not feel good enough. i tie my self worth to design, and perhaps that is the reason i feel this way. i was dealt a favourable hand, which i played mediocrely. i feel silly, loud, and regretful. if my expectations were lower, perhaps i would not be here now.

ii.
i am trying to process this lump of sadness that returns with every duo-monthly period i have- this feeling of unfinished business that hits me with the energy of high-tide. i cannot concentrate on design right now- i feel so unbelievably mediocore. i always return to the same open topics until i can tell myself i am better via proof. i do not have proof rn, all i have is pity from others.

i am not scared of working hard. however, i am scared of pig & lamb parasites, waking up early, and regret. my regret comes in tangles of guilt. i cannot hide my actions.

iii.
i wonder whether i really deserve better, or if i brought this upon myself.